Life Happened
by celin1
Summary: Grace's P.O.V. Will come to Dimitri. How can I not? Characters belong to OA show.
1. Default Chapter

Life Happened  
  
I did not now. Not yet. Not then.  
  
It was not supposed to happen this way, you know. Not in high school anyway. High school is not the place to encounter the most memorable experience of your life or that of the person in that matter. High school: it is very much like a waiting room, we are supposed to wait there; wait until we get out. And then, only then, life starts. Or so I thought. It is funny actually everything started in this waiting room of my school.  
  
I loved playing soccer. It is fascinating yet simple game, very famous in the old world. It is very simple to play, you don't need anything to be in the game or any body; you can play it on your own. You can make a ball out of your useless newspapers or countless print out stories. You just robbed them together make a ball-like shape and start kicking it forward; toward your imagery kale. Brazilians are known the play this on their street corners or on the beach. To make things complicated, for we human come not to like simplicity and regard it as something retrograding, we create hierarchy for soccer too. Now we are to have two teams to play the game and of 11 players for each team, we have all this rules and regulations, and of course don't forget referees. They are the ones who know and impose the rules in the game. They are the one who calls the shots. Mind you, in 1966 World Cup, Germany lost the final game to England for the goal that was not goal at all for the ball did not cross the goal line. But the referee thought he saw it did pass across the line. So England won the game; became World Champion. The Referees. They have been known with their mistakes. Yet they have been famous to have the last word in subject matter.  
  
It is a simple game but that does not mean that you cannot get hurt. Actually, the more you lose yourself into it, the more it is possible you get hurt. You possible care less and think less when you start feeling this fever in you. You just stop looking around it is only you and the ball and you target. You need to reach there it is not thinking or wanting anymore; once the need take over your rational, then feeling rules you in the game. Then you are more likely susceptible to injuries. Though at that point you don't care anymore.  
  
But I should have, I should have known it would not been only a game. This life. It is more than a game. Even more complicated and confusing, it was not supposed to start just then. They called my mom and dad, I was lying on the field, they took me to this waiting room for the doctor to examine the injuries. I told them it was nothing serious; I would just go home; put some ice, and take some aspirin. It would go away. All I need was to rest. My mom came flying. Angry as always "I told you so" line was in her eyes.  
  
"I know I know, I will be careful next time mom," I said.  
  
She looked at me: "Let's see the doctor first, then we would know better when and how the next time is going to be."  
  
We were in the waiting room. Then they came. That boy, I was searching around in every break or in every lunchtime or after school. But he was never alone. This time, too, he came into room with his dad. Apparently he got injured in his football training. My mom were sitting next to the Dad. They started talking about 'Ahh we (kids) like sports a lot; but how careless we are; that we give them almost hearth attack…."  
  
As the saying goes, the rest is history.  
  
She did not even realize when my dad came through the door into the waiting room. Obviously their time was up. She wanted her life to take a turn from the one she had been leading for the last 20 years. The one she thought desperately failed but still there would be other turns, right. After all you cannot stop living at the age of 40. And, my mom was not going to lose time in waiting rooms or in home in that matter. Waiting for husband to realize he had a wife and two kids and responsibilities; that he needed to grow up.  
  
I did not now then. I thought she should give my dad and us another chance. Or as many chances as we needed. Not yet. And she was right, I spent much of my time being angry first at my mom not to let things stay as they were for better or worse. After all, Is it not what marriage vowels is about? It must have been hard on her though come to think of it. Even her own dad, my grad pa Phil was on dad's side, needless to say so was her own stubborn daughter. Grandpa Phil was supporting my dad's case all the way to the end. And Rick's coming into our life or into our home did not help my mom either; if anything, it made it worse for a men-coalition (My Dad and Grandpa) used to lead our life at home, if not ruled us altogether. So, my mom became regarded as a deviant for a while. In this patriarchal home we used to live, she was put in a position where she was seen as the one who was turning away from her marriage and her home; the one who was betraying us all and who was to take the blame. Even I thought that for a long time. Silly me. I did not know.  
  
But then she did not let me know everything either. My mom thought I could not handle it for in my eyes my dad was this ideal, perfect dad(or he was supposed to be, after all why do we need dads for. "How could he do this to us" all I could say when I finally faced with the truth. I learned what really drove my mom away from my dad and at the end my dad away from our home and our life. The truth. How many different shades in it in different lights and angles? I wonder now. But I did not know then. Not yet. Do I know now?  
  
"…Miss. Manning? Grace…"  
  
I just realized I am in the same room I was in 3 years ago. And I was daydreaming. That is not a good sign. I know better then that. But this dreading room. But there is no dad or mom in the horizon for rescue me this time. I am more alone than I have ever been. Not even a friendly face in this entire school. No maybe that is an exaggeration. Some ask with real friendly concern how I have been: Cynthia, A.J., even Spencer came to talk to me yesterday. He said he just saw me and wanted to say "Hi". A year too late, maybe? Katie and Jessie are supportive too. We did have lunch together at the same table. But when these annoying looks and whispering will go away, if ever? "Soon!" Cynthia and Katie said at the same time; "Wait till the next gossip hits the wall, you will be forgotten in no time." So we need another victim? Obviously, Yes we do, this is high school after all. And I know better now. Even in high school we all need real-live action!  
  
"Grace, would you mind coming to my room so we can start our session?" Ms Carmen asked politely but with little patience this time.  
  
Last week it was decided on my behalf what I need was a good old therapy session in my school, so that everybody would feel they had done on their part to make things better for every body involved. He was already gone, they all know. But I still am there so they would experiment on me to see if their system is indeed in tact. Funny they think I should need to see a therapist; but the girl who is stalking on her teacher and classmate is free as bird. These referees. Well you already know what I think about them.  
  
I entered to Ms. Carmen's room, took a sit. She sat on across from me.  
  
"So Grace what would you like to talk about today."  
  
"I don't know", I started with my trade mark answer, "it is their idea that I should see you. So, what would you want me to talk about?"  
  
'I can tell from her face; we have long battle ahead of us.' Ms Carmen took her first notes into her notebook. 


	2. Remembrances

Remembrances:  
  
Ms. Carmen finally nodded her head with agreement:  
  
"Ok Grace, I think we have done well today, considering it is our first meeting. Before you go though I would like to remind you. This is not a punishment Grace. Nobody thinks you did commit a crime. We just want to make sure you would handle better if you work on your problems on conscious level. And I just wanna make sure you understand that everything said here will remain in this room. It is our professional ethics. We do not rely information on to outsiders. Do you understand that? I want you to be comfortable in this; Trust me when I say this; I can keep a secret or two…" she added in friendlier tone.  
  
I smiled too; in voluntarily, for the first time since the session start.  
  
Can you keep a secret?  
  
Sure… Well. It depends…  
  
I was fool to think I could.  
  
Once it is shared, NO SECRET is safe. Not anymore. I didn't know then.  
  
Long before the premier of our play, we, the students, got this director chair, in Broadway fashion, got his name "Mr. Dimitri" printed on the back of it. It was decided I would be presenting it to him in the cast party. He worked a lot with us, for us. Even more with me. He made me repeat my lines like 10 times more than he did with the others. Let me tell you, he was not an easy teacher to please. He was frustrated with me most of the time. I did not understand then why though. Always found something more appealing to try over in the scenes. Never really satisfied with my singing ability. Or better said, lack of it.  
  
I told him one day, when my throat was hurting and the more I tried to sing better, the worse I sounded, I knew it; all I wanted was to end this torture:  
  
"I am not a chanteur, you know…This is all I can do!", I exploded.  
  
"Oh…So, now we are using French words; whatever happened to our old NICE English."  
  
He was enjoying with this too much; I could tell. He raised his eyebrow with pointed look. That gleam in his eyes, which I somehow became accustomed to.  
  
OK, I made a mistake once to use word 'NICE'; how many times should I be reminded of THAT? I was too tried to go through with this, the singing that is. It was one Friday afternoon and I just wanted to go home. So I had to plea. Again.  
  
"Maybe I should not have three solos. Just one song, all I can handle. And Jessie would do much better with the songs, you know. It is better for the play. People would love her singing very much. I bet."  
  
Well it was not one of my lucky days. Actually I have never had a lucky day with him. I could maneuver almost everybody around me with my attitude or words or scare them off if nothing works. But not with him. Never with him. Somehow he already knew too much about me and my tricks than I did realize at the time.  
  
"Nop, No can do", he said. "You wanted this leading role, Grace. Remember? You are the Rosalind. So live up to the expectations."  
  
He then told me I could go, for now. Just before I was about the leave, he added:  
  
"You know what is the problem. It is not your ability to sing. Or tone of your voice. You don't feel the music, Grace. You feel the words when you recite your lines. That is why you are good at the play but not in singing. You should open yourself to music and feel it. Then it will flow. So will you."  
  
"Well, with this rain pouring over our head for two days, I am not sure if I wanna flow. I will be drawn in no time." It was one of my stupid jokes obviously. He did not even smile this time. He looked at me blank. "Good night Grace."  
  
Well I was not about the feel anything that day. All I could think how hungry I was and how cold it was outside. And I was still taking Jessie from her therapist's office to home. We would have a "family dinner", as my mom pointed. Some family we were.  
  
***  
  
It was raining that night too. The final night of the play. After the play was over, my mom came to me "Come on Grace we need to be at home for the party." Damn the play, the party. Damn everybody. I could not care less. I just said I need to do something before leaving, so:  
  
"you just go mom, I am coming right back after you", I said.  
  
She left. I changed my clothes, took my coat, and was about to leave. Somebody shout after me:  
  
"Hey Grace, Mr. Dimitri was looking for you. You better see him. NOW!"  
  
But I had enough for one night. 'Too bad, I though, he has to wait till Monday, if he wants to criticize me some more.' I could not handle anything right then.  
  
While I was walking outside, I was thinking what happened that night. Or what did not happen, more so. I had too many lies and liars in my young life to handle with smiley face and a forgiving heart. Why Eli had to lie to me, I wonder. I was not her girl friend or a wanna be. We passed that stage long time ago. Or so I thought. Then, why I was hurt this much. It was not the first time he sold me cheap for his friends. It was not the first time he disappointed me. It was not going to be the last time he would lie to me either. But why did he lie? It was apparent that he had more important things to do other than came and watched his pathetic step- sister' failure at the stage again. He obviously have his girl friend coming over to his place and even staying over. Why a girl would take off her bracelet other wise. Or Did he take off it for her…Goshh. I should stop thinking about him or his lies. He moved on with his life, so why can't I? Just, accept people as they are. I did it with my dad. Didn't I. He, like Eli, could not tell the truth. Under pressure they both reach for lies to protect themselves. But how and when am I going to learn to protect my self from these hurts? When am I going to learn my lesson that he cannot be trusted? The fact is that I didn't have anybody to trust or to fall back to when the floor beneath me was taking suddenly. I realized the rain had just started again. I was not going to cry though. It was just the rain. I could not cry over him and over my loneliness again. I did it so many times in the last two-three years. Not again. I need to move on too. I hurried to home.  
  
***  
  
As soon as I opened the back door of our kitchen, he was just there standing in front of fridge. He had a cup in his hand filled with…? I was just trying to make conversation,  
  
"I was walking, just caught in the rain…" trying to get my coat off and dry may face.  
  
He was looking at me with this strangest face. Was he drunk? It seemed just a game then. It was the final play night after all; all of us still feel playful that night. He was not his usual self for sure. If I don't know better I would definitely say he was drunk. What was he thinking, I wonder; drinking in this party with a lot of students around? Even some parents were to come: Tad's parents; Cynthia's sisters, A.J.'s dad. Not my dad though. Our home was a no-flight zone for him obviously.  
  
Then it started: Our moments:  
  
"Can you keep a secret?" he asked conspiratorially,  
  
"Yah…[I said] Well, it depends" (how true…it would turn out much later)  
  
"I have helped myself to some of your parents' wine… Don't tell anyone" (He was literally drooling)  
  
I swear I had never seen him this weird. This was too much to be real. He stepped closer to me so close that his face was in touching distance. There were no more distance between us. And he started telling me things I never thought I would hear from him after he practically drugged me into the mud the other night on the stage.  
  
"You know…You are Incredible…You are an incredible talented person." All I could say, "I am?" and remember to breath.  
  
Nobody ever told me this before. The best my mom came up with the other night: "You know you are a very interesting person" she said. I am not sure though if I should take it as compliment or insult.  
  
Then he told me he knew he might have been harsh with me but only because the life is harsh and he wanted me to be ready for it.  
  
Then he even came closer to me that I could smell alcohol in his breath and something else. It was the most amazing moment or better the starting point of those yet to come. Exciting. Why was I excited? just yesterday night I once more decided to hate him, no? Just an hour ago, all I could say he could go to hell, along with everyone else in the entire planet. So what happened? It was fear at the same time, fear of coming across a new and unexpected. I did not know what to do what to say. As if he sensed my discomfort, he backed of.  
  
"So how did you do it, do you know?" he was sitting on a kitchen stool now. I had to collect myself. I was about the answer with my usual self-pitying way…  
  
What was I going to say? I don't remember now. But I remember looking at him he was just sitting there waiting for my answer as if I am about the give him a reason to…be happy? How could that be? But, I myself had been hurt too much too long. I needed a clean break; I wanted a clean break. Enough off all this self pitying over people who did not give a day of thought about me. And after all, he was the one standing by me all those long days of practices; he was the one who suffered through my infamous moods and my less then perfect singing. Indeed, he should get medal just doing so.  
  
And for the first time he was excpecting something from me I didn't now know what. But I could try, no?  
  
"You. You made a different. What you said" and did the other night and every day until tonight, I added in silence.  
  
Then I saw it; the most amazing smile with un expected shyness in his face. As if the years magically were taken off from his shoulder, faded away. He looked much younger all of a sudden. More reachable. Happy, Contenet, How could I make him happy with such silliness and with few words?. For the first time I wanted to reach for him. What was more frightening was the knowledge that I could actually reach to him. There and then. So I did. I asked to taste the wine. I stepped closer this time and he stand up ever slowly. He was with me. I raised my hand to the cup rest my fingers on his hand…I looked at his eyes he looked at me first then down to our hands. Our secret…  
  
My mom came into kitchen with a hurry. "Where were you Grace, everyone was looking for you?"  
  
The magic was gone…though he was still there. He was actually a good actor, telling my mom 'how incredible real I was', looking at me at the same time. Did he mean my performance or the moment we shared, just then? I still don't know.  
  
Ahh… he also told me that he himself was a fraud. Funny, I never thought of him as a fraud. A frog, maybe Yes a 'Frog'.  
  
***  
  
"How did the meeting go with Grace?" Ms Brooks asked to Carmen; "She is one of our better student, we really don't want to lose her over this crisis. But her attitude seem to be hostile toward everybody in this week", Ms Brooks added with concern.  
  
"For a student who is going through crisis, she sure has a long lovely smile at her face when she was living my room" Ms. Carmen answered. "Don't you worry, she looks like a reasonable kid. She can handle it. We will make sure of it." 


	3. Frog

A Frog  
  
It was a long summer. A crowded one. Two families were trying to fit together, or not trying that much but just acting as if they were. Now I thought of it had been always my mother who tried to make it work; make us one big family. We are a big family all right; but happy one? Don't get me wrong I love all of them, well more or less. But things were just more complicated now Sammlers and Mannings lived together. And As my mom was one of them now. Funny, since last summer we don't even share the same name with my mom. We just have stopped sharing. I am a Manning; she became Ms. Sammler.  
  
I am not going to change my last name when I get married.  
  
Maybe that's why she was trying harder to fit in whereas Rick never lost the sight of what and who his family is. And we were just the addition to it. He never tried to be father for me; not that I would have let him. But still when I watched my mom trying to be there for both Eli and Jessie, and forgetting us; I just thought it was not fair that she should do and we were to be pushed aside.  
  
***  
  
Things were physically changing in the home too. After Eli got in this thing in September, his mom was almost lost it. She was furious with him and with Rick and with MY Mom too. One morning they even had a fight in front of our house. Why was it so important to my mom where Eli lived I never know. Sure I liked having Eli around the house but why my mom should be the one taking the risk and almost-insults from her, Karen. Where was Rick?  
  
It was decided at the end that, Eli could move into our garage. He was working in the garage that Sunday night. It was noisy. I could not sleep well and the next morning we just started our soccer-training program. I didn't think I could be playing in regular games this year; but I still wanted to do practices because well, kicking the balls makes wonders on my stress. That afternoon, I was already a dead-meat. I made a mental note that I should ask my mom and Rick to make some time-restriction for renovation in our garage. And it was not a good idea maybe starting my week with soccer training on Monday morning. I was coming to school not to a boot camp. Having history and writing class back-to-back was not helping to my sleepy mood either.  
  
I was sitting on my chair and yawning involuntarily while our new teacher Mr. Dimitri was handing back our journals. I tried to hide it but he caught me. He was already annoyed I could tell.  
  
"…But enough about me, how did you feel about the experience?"  
  
Standing in front of me, he asked sarcastically. I tried to avoid a last minute confrontation. It was already along day and we were just waiting for the bell to go home. "Who me?" I asked. Obviously yawning in his class required disciplinary actions if not capital punishment!  
  
"Or whoever sitting in your chair" he continued.  
  
What did he think? That I found the words of "journal writing" since he made an appearance in our class? I had been writing like forever in my journals. I actually had a stuck of journals at home. Just the other I caught Zoe reading my journal written when I was 11; she was treating me to reveal my secrets to my mom.  
  
"I have kept Journals before, so…" I said with capital J.  
  
But he wasn't about the let go off the issue; If anything he was more irritated.  
  
" Oh, you have!"  
  
"Yes[I said] on and off…"  
  
"And, what is that like?"  
  
It is hard to describe this feeling when I am writing. I still could not put it in right words, still finding more meaning and strength in writing every day in my experience. So I cut it short  
  
"It was fine, it was nice", I said.  
  
Well, it was a dead move. I should have known better than using "nice" to describe anything in a creative writing class. Especially, in the beginning of the term. The teachers. They would not know you as who you really are, if they ever find out or interested in finding out that is. But there was no room for my silly notion in our classroom that day. I just stepped on the mine. He knew it! He just snapped right back at me:  
  
"I am sorry, did you just said nice"  
  
"I did say nice", I nodded with slightly lover voice.  
  
He continued with a patronizing tone.  
  
"Because I don't wanna misquote you or anything"  
  
'I bet you don't', I said in silence… But this was his classroom and After all, we were only seconds away from the bell. So I just agreed one more time angrily.  
  
"I said nice!"  
  
Let him have his victory. He would have it any way. He circled around the class toward me saying:  
  
"Nice? Nice! Let me see what shell I do today…" he continued,  
  
[sitting ON the chair next to me, he was acting like… he should have been a Comedian instead, or a Clown more so, if you ask me. Then.]  
  
"I know I shall write to my old boring journal, It shall ever be so Nice."  
  
The whole class was laughing at me along with him. 'OK. You won. Happy now' I was about to scream. He changed his tone immediately. Walking toward his table. He turned around and look at me seriously this time.  
  
"Nice is for shrimp salad and for grandmothers, I am…I am not interested in nice."  
  
He was not playing fair. I swear I could have poked my pencil into his eyes. That icy-cold blue eyes; and, made a cheerful dance too, all I cared. Finally the bell! I just got up from my chair and was leaving the room while behind me the class was still laughing. I just looked back at his table. He was collecting his books and papers and talking to other students. 'Oh' I thought 'this game is So not over, 'FROG!' I got my coat and get out of this horrible place called high school.  
  
***  
  
I was telling Eli that night about the Frog.  
  
"I HATE my new creative writing teacher; he like totally humiliates me in public" I complained to him. Eli usual himself answered me with no concern:  
  
"I do that you don't hate me."  
  
Well you are my cute stepbrother, Tha…He loved teasing me and I loved him teasing me. Worse he knew this of course. I could not tell Eli my teacher just got a nickname Frog though. Jessie and Zoe were sitting with us and watching this horrible movie.  
  
"Plus, his name is like August, which is so…"  
  
Eli jumped at this:  
  
"It is not even a name; it is month" See, I was right.  
  
"Exactly!" I exclaimed with enjoyment. I finally found one ally. Although I was not sure how it would help me in the actual classroom but never mind that.  
  
"And he acts like he is the only person in whole world who knows everything."  
  
Eli responded sarcastically this time:  
  
"Isn't that how you act?" Ah Eli, some ally you were. But he touched a fine tone. I was yet to learn.  
  
Was I that kind of person who was acting like knowing everything and if so, was I reacting to myself when I was reacting to Mr. Dimitri. Now I know though; people only know the face we are willing to show the world. And how many faces have been in all of us? I know I had more than one but nobody bothered to look at deeper. No body even wanted to see my face I carry around everyday, yet alone to discover the hidden ones. These were all about to change in this year. It did not happen over night. But at the end of this year, I would not be the same person the one everybody were so accustomed to see that they did not care to look at anymore. And it all started with that one incident in a Monday afternoon class. We started off with a wrong foot. But over the course of this year we would come a very long way, a journey that would shock everybody who knew us and whom we knew; and, it would surprise us the most, me and Mr. Dimitri… Funny after everything happened I still call him "Mr. Dimitri" Still better than "Frog"  
  
That September night though: I was not thinking any of this. I needed a war- plan not a philosophy. After all, 'Tomorrow would be another day'…  
  
***  
  
"Grace, why are you smiling?" I heard, Jessie was asking me. I just got home into kitchen as usual, Jessie was there sitting next to Katie they were sharing a cookie.  
  
"Oh no nothing, I just remember something". Weird thing is I think everybody was waiting for me to fall apart. Not in bad way but they would have understood if I did. It was only natural as they thought; 'She had a bad experience. A crisis'. They even labeled it for us what we went through not only judging it. I should have thanked him actually for he always let me find and use my own words for my own experiences however silly they were at the time.  
  
"I used to call him 'frog' you know. Mr. Dimitri I mean", I said to the girls. "I was just thinking about it on the way to home."  
  
They looked at me with disbelief. Then we shattered into laughter. Well we all deserve a good laugh from time to time. Jessie then asked me whether I could give them a ride to Karen's home.  
  
My mom was coming home in any minute with my grand ma Beth. We just went out to greet them when we heard the van coming in front of our house. I just hugged my grand ma. It was strange though I got the sense she did not recognize me. She definitely looked strange to Jessie and Katie, saying that Jessie grow up a lot. Well that was true. We changed a lot this year inside out. I realized I am actually proud of my 'NICE' grand ma Beth by the way. He does not always have to be right, no? Nice is an underrated word if you ask me.  
  
We got into van with Jessie and Katie.  
  
"So, Grace", Katie started "I did not know you like brown-green colors? When did you get these coat and shirt?"  
  
"Oh" I said, "I had the green shirt like for two years. And my aunt just lend me this jacket like 3 years ago!"  
  
Both nodded, "Uhh…Uhh" more laughter…  
  
"What?!" I said, "For your information I love these colors, in fact I have always liked them!"  
  
They were still laughing when they got out of the car at Karen's place. What can I say? they are really 'Nice' colors, warm and earthy. It just feel right, at least for now. 


	4. I am the Author

I am the Author;  
  
The World Cup started last Friday; Today, England and Sweden were playing. Typical Northern European football with a lot of press and power struggle and little magic. Wait until Brazil and Argentina come along. Now that is football no one can miss.  
  
I was watching the game when my mother came in the living room.  
  
"Grace you are not yet! You cannot miss out on your own party, Again",  
  
"Mom" I said, "this is the World Cup!"  
  
"Tell this to your father; he has been calling in like a crazed-man since morning. Beside, there would be other world cups; but this is your first publication, which calls A Family Gathering"  
  
Ahh our ignorance…  
  
"You know mom the next world Cup is going to be played in 2006!"  
  
"See, I told you there would be others, Come on now, Grace. Move. Everybody is waiting for you"  
  
I got up from the canapé and went to my room to change. The Chicago Tribune's last Sunday Edition was still sitting at my table.  
  
***  
  
I sent my two stories out to different places: Literary Journals, Weekly Magazines, New Yorkers, and even local daily newspapers. After all, if Monica is able to sell imprinted bags, I should be able to get one of my stories published in this huge entertainment crazed country.  
  
Actually it was his idea. I thought I was not ready for that. My stories were just so not presentable yet. He asked me one day:  
  
"Why do you write Grace?"  
  
"I don't know?"  
  
Not the answer he would accept though, I knew. So I continued:  
  
"I just feel the need you know, need to led out of what I know and feel and think, so that I am able to absorb again what comes next. I read a lot that helps too. It is just having conversation with myself."  
  
"You should start having conversation with others, this is what publications about at the first place" he told me.  
  
" Make a room for others in your life as a writer."  
  
But, I got so used to him reading my writings that the idea somebody else would look at them scared me a bit at first.  
  
He said I might leave my stories around at home; let your family and friends see them first then I would get use to others' eyes  
  
"You cannot have conversation with yourself forever" or with him, as it seems.  
  
We planned a strategy for my next step. He said I should start from a target higher than my highest and get little bit down t than my lowest. This way, I would get my name in the circulation of certain Literary Journals, even if only in their rejection letters; and still get some publications from local newspapers that are willing to publish anything as long as they have their advertisement space along in the same pages with my story.  
  
The Chicago Tribune sent this letter to me a month ago that they were going to publish my story at the end of May, along with other high school students' writings. They have been giving a page or so each week in their Sunday addition for Art. I did not tell any one about it. The only person I wanted to share this news…  
  
Last Sunday, Zoe jumped on my bed with paper, screaming "Grace look, Wow, my sister's name in the newspaper" Instantly, I became her favorite sister again! Congrats from everyone whole week. The atmosphere in school finally changed too.  
  
Just the other day I saw Alexa who became an instant celeb after her success of crushing me and him down. She was talking sullenly to her admirers:  
  
"Well, OK. Maybe they had been actually working on something too, but still…"  
  
I could not let this pass any more; I had enough in the last two months:  
  
"Why Alexa", I suddenly stopped by at their table.  
  
"Did you think all that time I have been only admiring the VIEW?" The one you never get to see, I might have added. But it seems we both have been on the school boards 'Watch-List" for a while. So, Mr. Cuberk interrupted quickly from the side:  
  
"OK Ladies, let's have some space and time to breath; and everybody go to your classes, Come on…"  
  
Ms. Brooks also asked me to join in the school newspaper too. But I have other plans now. She said they all want what is best for me. Don't I know it! She had been most supportive actually I should say. But…  
  
***  
  
We finally arrived to Judy's BookLovers place. My dad was standing on the pathway. My Goodness, Everyone was really there, All of us Sammlers and Mannings, Beth came with us too, and Judy-Sam; Tifany and the baby, and oh my God…  
  
Aaron!(What did you except guys! Mr. Dimitri() He came too. I just passed my dad and went straight to my uncle. "Aaron, I am so gald you are able to come, I miss you a lot" Here is my niece the author , he turned to me, then whisper to my ears "I knew you would do it" I said to him in love voice conspiratorly too, "I knew you would do it too" turning to greet his girl friend. Although she had to go back to "care-home" after a while, upon his fathers request, they still see each other on weekends. Everything seemed fine this afternoon, we cut a cake with my name "Grace the Author" on it. My dad. Ah he was so funny. How convinect is that he totally forget everything happened in the last two months, taking full credit of the day and enjoying with it too.  
  
"It is my girl, it is family trait you know, Lily used to work in an editorial board of the same newspaper. And Beth you always liked to write…" with all my reluctance to accept it was still rather touchy to see Judy and my dad dedicated a shell for me in the bookstore section. The newspaper with my story is the only one standing on the shelf. But they all say "it is for now, you sure have more to come, Just to let you know you have your own personal library here." The name on the shelf read "Grace Manning. It is rather embarrassing to have a special shelf under my name where as Shepskper and all others have to share the same shelf with one another. But well, it is my family's place after all.  
  
We got back home that evening, I was telling my mom and Rick on the way home: I mean this is no way to run a business you know, the next they know they will be broke if they keep holding the place for every other weekend for family occasions. There are always something going on in this family, anyway." Rick just looked at my mom and both start laughing. "What!" I said, "What is so funny?" We got home and I went to my room to study little bit more. Finally alone, I could go back to my writings.  
  
***  
  
MS Carmen asked thoughtfully:  
  
"Why did you refuse to work in the school journal Grace? Do you still feel resentment? Are you still angry about the school or should I say about people maybe?"  
  
It was a week later on Friday. I was in the session again.  
  
"I told Ms Brook too, I really have other plans. I need to learn to stand alone outside of school too if it is possible?"  
  
"How do you plan to do that, may I ask if you don't mind telling me?" she insisted.  
  
"It is not that I am resentful or angry, Ms Carmen, really. I respect Ms Brook and her offer for me is thoughtful of her too. But I am planning to get a job this summer and I have not yet run the issue with my mom. I know my mom and her are in touch more often than not in these two months and I just want to be the one who tells my mom about this job first. Things are complicated at home. We were supposed to move to Australia but seems we are not going now. And I am not sure how Rick and my mom would handle this. Until they have resolution I don't wanna put more pressure on her. If everything goes in order, my work would start at the end of June. I still have two weeks to talk to her and my dad too."  
  
"Oh I see" Ms Carmen nodded.  
  
"Just let me know when you have your big conversation with your mom. You may still need to work on our communication strategies."  
  
While I was leaving the room, Ms Carmen was still taking notes…  
  
***  
  
'If things seems too good to be true, the chances are they probably are. We could avert the explosion but she seems so closed up to even her own emotions. I just hope it would be only minor bruises. She seems a really good kid and would be better if she can move on after recognizing and accepting what happened.'  
  
Ms Carmen closed her notebook. Just before leaving out of curiosity she took the newspaper with her. She read Grace's story while she was having her herbal tea that night. 'For whatever it' worth, they seemed to work harder than we all gave them credit for.' She thought. She showed the paper to her husband too: "Did I tell you? One of our students published her story in the paper last week. It is Grace Manning. She comes to my office to from time to time. She is a good kid little stubborn maybe but a fine young lady. I wonder if the guy in family-care is really somebody she knows…He seems so real. More than a story, as if it is a life itself…" 


	5. Bigger Family

Note-1: I could not help but write something about Lily too for she is an integral part of G/D story—as we fans call it.—There have been so many events in Lily's life which affected and blurred her view toward Grace. So I felt both agony and empathy toward Lily in the show, I just wanted to present her conflicted view here in this chapter about things happened not only to Grace but to Lily herself and to the family. And I am not sending the family to Australia for the reason I echoed in Lily's head.  
  
Note –2: Thanks to all of you for your kind words; and specaily Thanks for my fellow TWoP friends DARYA and GDFAN for their help and corrections in my terrible English creative writing. I am indebted to you guys both!  
  
Disclaimer: All the characters are from the OA show, although as every other true G/D fanatic I would never mind having Dimitri/ES to myself or any other character ES ever played. In fact I am so desperate I am ready to settle for Father Michael (Now don't ask me who the * Father Michael is; you would know in the future, I am planning a wedding ceremony performed by him. And yes, I am dead serious, heheheee)  
  
Bigger Family  
  
Yahooo!  
  
It is Friday afternoon already and all Lily needs to do finish her notes about today's show and go home. She and Rick talked about this whole week and finally they decided to make a formal announcement to the kids about the arrival of their new baby. These last two weeks have been hectic. First She and Rick got these job offers at the same time and it caused the first serious crisis in their still young marriage. It is not that she was a totally career-oriented woman. She could never be like that she knows it. But the idea of living everything behind was just shocking for her: everything that is the life as she have known for over 40 years; the home she lived for more than a decade; the job she began to explore for the last year and the passion for radio she comes to like more than she ever thought at the beginning. Somehow she felt as if the ground was taken away from under her feet. And Rick's initial strong reaction toward her hesitations did not help either. It scared her to realize for the first time what may drive Rick to the edge: his job, his career. That is not to say Rick does not care about his family as much as she does, yet Lily came to realize that the man she got married might not be much different than her father and your ex, when it comes to work. Under the pressure, many men take a refuge in their career and expect women to fallow their foot steeps. The thing is even she is happily married and hopes that it is forever this time; she knew deep side down she cannot afford to make the same mistakes she had done in her first marriage.  
  
To make the matters worse, Lily could not talk to Rick about her insecurities either; without out making him feel alienated. It is not easy to say your husband:  
  
'Oh well Rick I love you and everything but what if things does not work out between us; what if your business fails, again; what if you find somebody else; what if anything happens to you or to me; then, what ? I would be in the same place when I met you 3 years ago: no money, no saving, no home, and no job with 3 kids. I cannot put my life and my kids life to that risk again. I need to be independent for myself and for my children.'  
  
She would tell this to him. It would be too much. But she would never forget the day she had to leave grocers at the market because her credit card was declined either, 3 years ago; that she had to go to ask Jack CASH to buy food for home where her kids waiting for dinner; or she would especially remember that the same week she had to write a false check for Grace's summer writing camp program because there was no money in her account. Not a penny left. Grace later gave the check back to Lily saying she(Grace would not go to camp, "it is too long Mom, too much work" she said, her precious wise daughter. Having needed to pay one less check did not solve Lily's money problem though. Her own father Phil was more than happy to lend 100 grants to Jack but she could not find 2500 $ to initiate divorce process. She remembered finally that Valentine's day she spent at home looking for a job-Rick paid a small visit to her that day, but Lily had to decline to go out with him. She needed to find herself a new beginning before involving Rick into her life.  
  
She cannot go through with any of these ever again. She would be older and have another baby. She cannot risk her work, her independence, her children's future again just to fallow a man and his dream. Even if that man is Rick. Her Husband.  
  
Suddenly she felt so depressed, Lily just snapped out of this notion.  
  
'No, I am being unfair to him now' Lily thought, 'he has more than supportive for me and for my choices.'  
  
After all they decided to stay in Chicago as a family. Rick would take the hardship by traveling between two continents in this coming year. Because no body knew about her concerns, everybody initially thought Lily was crazy to turn down such an opportunity: "Chance Of A Life Time" they say. Colin, Rick's boss, did not like this development a bit. But, he will have Sam over in Australia full time . Judy was disappointed with Lily's decision too: she liked the idea going there with Sam of course but…  
  
"it is not the same, it would have been easier if I have you over there too," Judy said yesterday on the lunch.  
  
"Have you talked to the kids yet?" she asked.  
  
Ahh the kids! Lily sighted  
  
"What is wrong with us?" she was askig to Rick last night.  
  
"We already have 4 kids and have no clue how to handle not one of them; and we are going to have another baby!"  
  
"The Fifth" Rick was happily watching her agony and saying:  
  
"and we would love them all with their problems"  
  
The kids are like a wheatear: their moods change constantly from the morning to afternoon. Not to mention between dinner and bed time. Lily never understands what motivates them to fight over one minute then laugh at something two hours later in front of TV set.  
  
Just recently, Zoe discovered her roots that is her being ¼ Jews and figured out from some internet site that Australia does not have a large enough community for Zoe to devote herself to her newly-found faith! Imagine!  
  
'Maybe' Lily thought 'I should monitor Zoe's internet hours more closely, you never know'.  
  
Lily remembered last Thanksgiving Zoe figured that being a vegetarian was a way to respect the nature and went on diet without meat: well about 4 days to be exact just to give into Turkey feast in that Big Chaos Night. Lily knows that Zoe's motivation for staying in Chicago has more to do being close to her father and her new half-sister than being in touch with any community around here. Lily just hoped Jack would live up to the expectation for Zoe's and his new baby girl's sake.  
  
And then there is Jessie; she came a long way with her problem of eating- disorder. That girl Katie seems to have very positive effects in Jessie's life. Grace and Jessie seems to get along much better; but you never know. Jessie's negative reaction to the Australia news has had strong effect on Rick. Lily suspects Rick reconsidered his decision again after seeing Jessie talking about staying with Karen. He may not want to accept it but leaving Jessie and, Eli too, behind was not what Rick's idea of "moving the family to Australia".  
  
Eli supported the idea first. But there are of course his music, his ban, and everything; he told Rick this week that maybe he would just come for a summer vacation to check out the place first.  
  
So far Grace has been the only one wholeheartedly campaign for moving business. Lily smiled. She wondered if things had been different at school that Mr. Dimitri would have been still teaching there, they would have probably need to call national guards to separate Grace from Sinclar High. But Lily hoped Grace would come around too eventually with the news of baby and everything. Grace is a reasonable kid. Well Ok maybe not all the time…  
  
Suddenly, Lily realized for the first time since the meeting, she recalled his name without anger or disgust but with a little faint smile. The meeting. It was on April 1: the fools' day.  
  
'He had fooled us all, alright'. Lily thought bitterly.  
  
Grace was not herself lately, Lily knows as much if not everything. And, knows the reason for it. Only too well. Lily still is sleepless at nights sometimes thinking if Grace really got hurt in this mess. It is known fact that in "abuse" cases, the underage victims don't even see that they are abused. Or else they just assumed that what happened to them is either their fault or something to be ashamed of. So they don't want to talk about it. 'It is a defense mechanism', Ms. Carmen told her in their latest meeting at school last week. She meets with this woman every other week now since April to check out what is going on with Grace. Ms Carmen never reveals anything said in the sessions with Grace but just gives general summary and guidance for Lily to handle things better at home. Last time they talked she explained to Lily that in many cases the child would think the abuse s/he is facing as something necessary and even normal because s/he would not know what is normal and what is not yet. They would see the things from the predators' eyes and accept things as the latter would portray it for them. The hardest thing with child abuse cases, Lily learned, is to make the kid accept the truth that it was indeed abuse and to go from there. Not that Lily or the school board thinks Dimitri as predator. But there has been something else going on between her daughter and him. It is just not right!  
  
Well, Lily cannot tell any of this to Grace. Grace would freak out if Lily or anybody as much use Mr. Dimitri's name and predator in the same sentences. And Grace is not a kid any more but becoming a very special young woman. Lily could see now. She remembered the advice she was giving Rick last winter about Jessie's first date:  
  
"Your daughter is growing up, blooming in front of your eyes, and she needs you to tell her it is OK."  
  
She has to do the same with Grace. Lily knows it. Still, having a date with a 17 years old boy from your high-school is not the same thing being in some unknown relation with your 40 years old teacher, at least not in Lily's book. She is Grace's mom for god's sake. It is what moms for; to worry…  
  
Lily may have kept things quite in the meeting and even praised his job as a teacher/mentor. For sure Grace has accomplished a lot this year because of him. But he failed Grace as a man as a person; he failed Lily and her family too. Lily opened her home to this man, did she not!  
  
'This is how he repays!'  
  
Not that lily expected any repayment but she would not guess this in a million years either. She trusted him with her daughter.  
  
'Oh No. Accept it Lily,' she argued with herself. 'You were more than happy to trust him. You practically dumped your daughter on him this whole year.'  
  
That is the guilty consciousness she could not get over since April 1. That is why she could not let go this issue in her mind either.  
  
Lily knows it. She totally failed as a mother when it comes too Grace. She made it too easy for Grace to fall into this. She may as well have driven her daughter to this disaster, sometimes she thought. She was only too happy to see that her daughter working harder than ever, spending her time with class work/play/writing/library search/GSA meetings. She never really questioned anything or did not pay attentions to signs. Like after the play's premier night Grace was telling them "Mr. Dimitri is not a god, you know'. What was that about? Something was going on Graces' life and Lily just could not see it for her life.In fact, at some subconscious level, Lily even relived to know Mr. Dimitri as authority figure somehow was there so she did not have to worry about Garce. She did not have to be there for Grace.  
  
Lily acts she is perfect, a know-all mother all the time; but she only knew too well having a teenage daughter is a frustrating experience. It was easier to play a part-time mom with Jessie and Eli because she could back of any time or be asked to back of, if things do not go well. Whereas with her own daughter there is no where to hide now. Knowing the pain Grace is going through. Knowing she Lily can do nothing to ease this pain for Grace. It is just unbearable.  
  
Well that is the end whether she liked it or not. And that is why she cannot forgive him and herself both causing such a pain to Grace, the pain that her daughter thinks she is hiding so well. This saddens Lily the most.  
  
Tthis is not the night to be sad though; Lily realized she has been sitting there in the office for half an hour; day-dreaming. This pregnancy does strange things to women after 40 as it seems. Morning sickness is Ok; but Day-dreaming?  
  
She got up to leave when she heard her assistant calling for her:  
  
"Hey Lily, there is one mail. Seems personally addressed to you and you daughter Grace. You want to look at it?"  
  
Lily has long given up checking her mails everyday at the station. She liked it at the beginning actually thrilled knowing she had been getting more mails than regular hosts of the radio for a while, but then like everybody else she got tried and left it to her assistant to sort things out. But she was looking at this big envelope addressed not only to her but to Grace too. 'To Mrs. Lily Sammler Miss. Grace Manning'  
  
Opening the envelope she found another smaller envelope addressed directly  
  
"to Grace"  
  
and a note:  
  
Mrs. Sammler;  
  
I know I am the last person you would like to hear anything in these days.  
  
But I am asking you to pass this envelop to Grace; of course with your permission and consent;  
  
If you would so inclined I would be indebted to you, for I know I am in no position to ask any favor from you.  
  
I am not going to apologize for I know you would not want to hear of it and I am not going to ask your forgiveness for I myself found my behaviors for the last year inexcusable.  
  
Yet let me assure you for one thing that I would never hurt Grace the way it was implied through that eventful week. Ever.  
  
1 Mr. August Dimitri  
  
Lily was blanked at first, looking at the note and closed envelop in disbelief.  
  
'This cannot be happening', she thought immediately.  
  
'He has no right to do this.'  
  
What should she do with this envelop and with the note? It was going to be this perfect family night tonight. The kids and Rick were waiting for her. Tonight she and Rick were going to tell how blessed they are as a family and a baby on the way is just making it to the perfection. There was no place for old scars in her home and in her daughter's life. Not tonight. With these thoughts she put the envelope and the note safely to her desk's drawer and left the radio station.  
  
After all: 'There is always tomorrow.' 


	6. Baby Steps

Baby Steps  
  
"What! What do you mean, Mom?"  
  
"She said we're not moving to Aussie-land, Grace" Zoe sweetly responded.  
  
"I was not going to anyway," Jessie added. She was actually relieved by the news because she did not like the idea of her father moving away permanently, but…  
  
"But how about your job, Dad"? Eli interrupted, "aren't you going to take the job?"  
  
"You know if this was supposed to be a family decision, we should have voted, Mom" Grace insisted; she had so prepared her self to go. Though she knew her mom was having second thoughts, Grace was hoping Rick would make Lily come around.  
  
"You can't vote anyway, you are underage!" Zoe shouted to Grace  
  
"Shut up, Zoe," now it was Grace's turn  
  
"Mom!" Zoe plead help fromLily.  
  
As in any other "family dinner" the kids and their endless chatter seemed to overwhelm Lily and Rick; they waited for the kids to calm down before answering any questions. When the four focused their attention on their parents again, Rick continued, "Yes, we decided it is better if the family stays here; I will be away for the next nine months. I'll be visiting every other month, though, and be here for the holidays. And if you want, we can all go there this summer. You can help me find a place and adjust to life there a little bit" he said to Jessie.  
  
"How about you, Mom? What happened with your job offer?" Grace asked.  
  
"Oh, we are working on the details of the contract and schedule. It will be fine, I'm sure. But enough about jobs and moving, there is something else we need to tell you. See, Rick and I…" …Rick tried to help out: "The thing is…"  
  
Lily found the strength finally: "I am pregnant; we are having a baby." Lily broke into tears while looking at her kids and Jessie and Eli. All the same…  
  
***  
  
The dinner party was over. Judy and Sam joined them after dinner for a drink and shared the joy. The kids were shocked and surprised and then excited with the news. Lily's name book, given by Judy before even Grace was born, was now passed from hand to hand. Everybody was looking up names, girls' and boys'.  
  
"I think we should definitely hold a vote for the name" Grace was telling to Jessie who answered,  
  
"Maybe we should like pick a name randomly from the book like lottery that would be fun…"  
  
"Mom, how did you find my name, what does Zoe mean?"  
  
"It means Life."  
  
"Cool, what does Grace mean?"  
  
It means…  
  
***  
  
That's what Grace means. Grace is about what's sacred. And that's the TRUTH.  
  
Grace's thoughts drifted back to last September again.  
  
After that embarrassing classroom incident, she got a rather disappointing review of her journal assignment too. He wrote on , "Grace, is this all you could say about yourself and your life? Where is the "Honesty," and is it how you really write? You could have a much better style if you pay attention to the task at hand."  
  
She had planned her speech and remembered all her lines that night: Next morning, she would tell Mr. Dimitri, otherwise known as Frog, that just because he did not think Grace was interesting enough to use words out of the 'Oxford English Dictionary' it doesn't mean that he should embarrass her in front of the whole class. She would let him know that she knew sophisticated words too, and she had been writing in her journals forever.  
  
Her strategy was simple. She went to the school a little earlier on Wednesday morning. She passed by the other students and stood at the door of the room that was temporarily assigned to Mr. Dimitri's class. Grace took a big breath and came through the door, stepped towards the table where he was going through his stuff. She asked sternly, "Mr. Dimitri, Can I just say something?"  
  
…  
  
Grace sat down at the table in the corner of the cafeteria, opened a bottle of milk and took a banana out of her back pack. It seemed she lost the second round too. He was a strange man--whistling in class, playing with his hippie-style hair, and what was that about putting his foot on the table?!  
  
But Grace was more angry at herself: 'So much for a war strategy,' Grace thought 'I could not even finish one sentence. Why does he always interrupt me?' She could not say what she had prepared to say and, worse, she lost her temper and almost shouted to him "I don't think I'm the only person in this whole class who isn't being…COMPLETLEY HONEST!"  
  
Obviously, Mr. Dimitri found her not only less than interesting but also less than honest, not to mention childish. It is entirely her mom's fault. Grace made a mental note to ask Lily to stop calling her Gracie. It was embarrassing.  
  
And how about the part about being completely honest? She found the journal assignment strange anyway, because no student would want to share every detail of their life and their thoughts. One couldn't be expected to write Everything: 'it would be like turning our selves inside-out and into the authorities', Grace thought…Even if she could write every unpleasant thought and uncomfortable feeling into paper that does not mean that she could share them with the class or with her teacher. Sometimes she did not want to write everything because even writing could be painful, like looking into the mirror and seeing every single scar on your face. Who needs that?  
  
'What does August mean?' she thought. 'Was it really only the name of a month?' After all, Grace meant "Sacred"; but today he told her Sacred is the Truth. Or something like that… "Hmm…" Grace thought, "Maybe I should look up his name in my mom's name book. Maybe August means something else too. He was a weird man. This Dimitri Guy.  
  
With that, Grace went to her classes…  
  
***  
  
"I want to go to Australia in the winter just to escape from snow, Lily do you think you can have time off from work for the birth? It would be so cool to visit my dad," Jessie was saying.  
  
Judy obviously liked the idea "Sure, Lily, why don't you have the birth in Sydney and stay there with us so Rick can enjoy baby' first weeks."  
  
"Actually, Rick could take time off for the birth and come here."  
  
Everybody stopped talking and turned toward Grace…  
  
Zoe exclaimed "Silly, Mom is going to give birth, not Rick!"  
  
Grace ignored her. "It is done, you know. Last year, the Prime Ministers of England and Finland they both took days off from work when their wives gave birth to their children. Ask Mr. Colin, you should have the same rights too."  
  
With that comment, Grace got up and told everyone she was tired already and going to bed.  
  
Everybody once again broke into laughter after she left the room. "Well, having a published author at home definitely widens our horizon," Rick followed up where Grace left the conversation.  
  
"Well I liked the idea." Lily was not laughing anymore. "It would be much better if you could travel, I am not sure if I would be up to it at that point"  
  
***  
  
Grace closed her door and from inside she could hear the laughter but that was okay. She sometimes said things just to annoy people or to get them off her back. It is better to play the clown when you don't want the world to see your sadness or hurt…  
  
She sat down on her bed, took an old journal from under her bed and start reading her silly thoughts and memories on those September days:  
  
This afternoon, the most embarrassing thing happened, again. Everybody was silent when I entered the room for our creative writing class. I was about to take my seat when the boys start mocking, "Hey Grace, that is a, hmmm, NICE shirt and, hmm, nice shoes too." All of them were laughing now; I turned toward the boys and said, "You know, if you are going to make a joke, at least be original, use your own words." But they did not stop: Russell was saying I should accept that it was a cool joke, that Mr Dimitri" is a cool guy."  
  
I said "he's cool? NO way. Now, Brad Pitt is cool, Maldini is cool…"  
  
"Maldini, Who?"  
  
I was frustrated "Maldini, the best soccer player of Italy…" they were looking at me with no clue whatsoever.  
  
"Any way, Mr. Dimitri is just Weird," I said, " his hair is red, no not even red but like… like orange or carrot colored. And he definitely needs a good hair-cut…"  
  
Everybody fell into silence, looking behind me. I turned around slowly…just to find Mr. Dimitri standing next to his table, waiting…  
  
Oh my God! I quickly took a seat with my head down and my face was all red, I am sure about it, while he was telling the whole class:  
  
"I want you to start reading the play "As You Like It" for today class; of course if you guys have [mockingly] finished your discussion about my hair style," looking at me while everybody was laughing; Again. I couldn't bring my head up at all during class; I think I lost the third battle too.  
  
I hate them all!  
  
She turned the page to see what she noted next in her journey:  
  
I tried to talk to Eli today; he's changed recently; somehow he acts like he is so close to me then the next minute he just gets uncomfortable, especially if we are alone. I heard Jessie telling him, "I know. You don't have to act like I can't handle the truth!" I was nearby, I know I should not listen to people's conversations but I just wonder what she thought she knew. I think she is meddling in my relationship with Eli. Little sisters! They are nosy, as if one wasn't enough, now this…  
  
Ohh, and I looked up his name in the book:  
  
"August-worthy of honor and respect."  
  
Hmm, what does this mean now?  
  
I don't know about the honor and respect part, but he was definitely not fair. He singled me out, putting me on the spot in front of the entire class, what did I do?  
  
Okay, maybe some nasty comments. But he is not being fair either.  
  
***  
  
Grace heard somebody knocking on her door, she just put the journal under her bed again, and answered:  
  
"Yeah, Who is it?"  
  
"Grace are you all right, can I come in?  
  
"Sure"  
  
Lily opened the door looking her daughter's face searching for some clue as to what was going on in her mind.  
  
The school called me this week Grace concerning about your work."  
  
"What happened? My class are all fine mom, I am going to therapy session every week too, I never miss on any assignment!"  
  
'Maybe that is the problem' Lily thought  
  
"I did not say anything was wrong, we are just concerned"  
  
"About what"  
  
Come on Grace, you used to like school activities; and Ms. Brooks told me they wanted you work on school newspaper but you declined or so I heard. Can you tell me why?"  
  
"Not what you and everybody think mom. Actually I was planning to tell you this weekend, but your news, I mean the baby thing, it is huge mom so it just slipped from my mind."  
  
"Well I am here now you want to talk about it"  
  
"The thing is, I applied for part-time job in University paper for summer, Mom, think about it is going to be great, I will be working, have some money saved and be around the campus, library… you know"  
  
"For one thing your dad will be disappointed he was hoping you would take a part-time job at "booklovers" and spend some time there"  
  
"Mom I don't want to work around cafes, this job it is different, I will be working to help for editors, or something like that…"  
  
Lily was actually happy with the news, Grace, she thought, finally coming out from her shell for better, hopefully. And writing seems her first priority right now. There is no point to prevent her from doing what she likes to do and what she is good at the same time.  
  
"Ok, Grace; but YOU are going to tell this to your father"  
  
"Thanks Mom"  
  
"When are you going to start?"  
  
"For the Summer Term, in two-three weeks.  
  
"Well enough talking for one night go to sleep now."  
  
Lily stands up, walked to the door, just before she left she turned back:  
  
"Grace, there is one more thing actually"  
  
Grace gazed her mom with wondering eyes:  
  
"Have you tried… I mean did you contact with Mr. Dimitri in these last months.  
  
Grace was frozen suddenly, she said quickly "No Mom! And you don't have to worry about it, believe me"  
  
"Ok, just wanted to be make sure"  
  
With this Lily closed to door.  
  
"He didn't want me to…" Grace quietly added after Lily.  
  
She took the letter she received from the paper telling her about the job- description and expectations for part-time employees. It would be her first real job. It was about time she thought.  
  
Last thing she remembered before sleep was one of those nights where they had GSA meeting in Dimitri's house. As usual she stayed little bit longer than other students to help him clean up. She was chattering away about how he was efficiently handling the dishes, which he responded laughingly: "Well, in my first job, I used to do a lot of dish washing back at a local restaurant's kitchen; Dish-washers are for Generation-X." 


	7. What Comes Around Goes Around

The doorbell rang, but he didn't seem surprised…  
  
It wasn't that he wanted to keep in touch with her. He did not really. Dimitri could not for the life of him figure out how he could get into this. How did he ever allow himself or her in that matter to get into this mess? And he is still working his way out. He has to.  
  
Yet part of him was so proud when he saw the newspaper two weeks ago: 'I knew you would do it'; thoughts passed through his mind. He read the story several times. It was not the one whose last pages they discussed endlessly. Dimitri wondered what she did with that ending of "What You Need to Know". He probably would never know, unless it would appear on the paper or, better yet, in a journal someday.  
  
He did like this one too, "Lost Dreams". The story seemed to change from the one that they worked on. Now it started with two sisters looking into family pictures. She also seemed more comfortable finishing this one: clear- cut story, clear-cut—happy—ending. It is a good start for her. He suspected Grace took her main character, a young man with a disability, from her real life: maybe somebody from a family or a friend? Dimitri met most of her family members during some good and some not-so-good times. But he did not come across anybody similar to this character.  
  
He called Chris and Arthur last week and casually made a comment about how one of his students published her story in the paper. Chris kindly reminded him though:  
  
"Your former student, August, FORMER. Remember?"  
  
Kate and Bryan, his (still) friends who chose not to pay attention to the nasty gossip at school, called him too:  
  
"Hey, you know you became a hero around here again. She really pulled it off alright this time around."  
  
He was happy for her and just wanted to show…how proud he was? He did not plan to or even think of doing anything until he remembered his first published poem in a local newspaper. She wanted to see it but he did not let her. It was from another era, like his book. No need to bother. Maybe he wanted to pass on this old tradition to her if nothing else would remain the same. But he could not bypass her family this time around and hoped Lily would understand one last time…  
  
***  
  
Lily had called him from the radio station to say that she would be stopping by his home this afternoon. She wanted to make it abundantly clear to him that she would not let this continue. And he needed to understand this once and for all.  
  
She waited as he appeared at the door.  
  
Once she was inside, she turned to him and asked:  
  
"What is this?" she was holding the white envelope he sent last week, "What do you think you are playing at?"  
  
"Mrs. Sammler, as I said in my note, only with your permission I…"  
  
"What is in it any way, or is it private?" Lily interrupted sarcastically.  
  
Dimitri decided to play it down:  
  
"I would prefer that Grace be the one who tells you what it is, Mrs. Sammler. I assure you it is nothing you should be worried about. But if you chose not to pass it on…"  
  
"If I choose not to! How would you think otherwise? My daughter doesn't need this, Mr. Dimitri. She needs peace in her life, not this."  
  
Dimitri knew Lily was more than likely right. But so far things between him and Grace were anything but peaceful; they both seemed to make a habit of it.  
  
He felt the need to say something when he realized Lily put the white envelope away on the coffee table:  
  
"I saw her story in the paper and just wanted to…"  
  
"Wanted to do what? Remind her that you are still alive and around?"  
  
Dimitri looked up at her and said firmly:  
  
"No, I just send my congratulations. That was all; she worked very hard for this." 'And I knew it', he added silently.  
  
She reached for her bag and took the note he sent to her with the envelope earlier. Looking at the note,  
  
"August Dimitri. Mr. August Dimitri", Lily said. "How convenient it must have been for you to be Mr. Dimitri or August whenever it suits you."  
  
He missed a breath for a second. Did she know about the book, the inscription? He suspected she did find out but when she did not comment on it in the last board meeting, he dismissed the idea. But now…He was not ready for this.  
  
"Yes, I knew", she almost read his mind, thinking 'Was that guilt I saw in his eyes for a second?'  
  
Lily could not stop herself anymore. She came this far; she may as well finish it off. After all he asked for it, didn't he?  
  
Sarcastically she read the lines from the note:  
  
"I am not going to apologize for I know you would not want to hear of it and I am not going to ask your forgiveness for I myself found my behaviors for the last year inexcusable.  
  
Yet let me assure you for one thing that I would never hurt Grace the way it was implied through that eventful week. Ever."  
  
Turning her head from the note to his face, Lily asked the question, which at the end sounded more like a plea:  
  
"You say you would have never hurt her the way we thought. Just tell me something Mr. August Dimitri, Have you ever touched my daughter in any way that you should not be doing? I want an honest answer. Look at my eyes and tell me you haven't!"  
  
Could he do that? He felt he could not be even capable of looking her in the eyes.  
  
Lily saw it; that look in his eyes. Not guilt, not even regret but plain acceptance, recognition of truth. Then he lowered his eyes to the floor  
  
Her worst nightmare was finally confirmed. With that thought and her hands shaking Lily sat on the chair next to her.  
  
Seeing Lily's distress, Dimitri put aside his inner-thoughts and tried to prevent more confrontations from happening for everybody's sake.  
  
It must have been harder for Lily to take such a development in than it was for him  
  
"Mrs. Sammler, It is not what you think it is, we…I never…"  
  
Lily held on her anger and responded quickly:  
  
"Don't assume what I think until I tell you, Mr. Dimitri"  
  
Dimitri waited for Lily to speak again, as the tone of her voice did not let him continue even if he knew what he was going to say, which he did not. He did not expect the confrontation Lily was forcing right now. In fact he spent this last month avoiding it even when he was alone; no especially when he was alone.  
  
Lily finally got her composure back again. Although she came here with a certain anger boiling inside of her and she even got angrier as the time passed by, she also knew fighting at this point would not be a solution in the long-run. There are things need to be said and done for all of them to move forward, especially for Grace.  
  
"Mr. Dimitri, you may sit here in your safety net" (looking around the house for the first time, Lily continued) "and probably think that you would have never hurt my daughter. You are probably even convinced that you have had her best interest at heart; that you actually tried to help her. That… that after seeing her story published, you may think the means justifies the end. But it doesn't. (Lily sighed) And you are wrong Mr. Dimitri. She is hurting…  
  
You see I am her mother. I am the one who watches Grace withdrawing from doing things she used to like to do. I am the one who listens to her crying in her room at nights and the same one who pretends to believe her when she says she is okay in the mornings. And I am the one who is worried sick because I want to believe she really has enough strength to put all of this behind her, but I know I don't have enough strength to see my daughter break down."  
  
Dimitri seemed at a loss for words. Unable to respond to Lily, he simply put his face in his hands  
  
  
  
They kept quiet for several seconds. Then Lily got up from her chair at last, taking the envelope with her:  
  
"Mr. Dimitri I am asking you to make no further contact with Grace, for her sake."  
  
Without waiting for any real answer, Lily walked to the door. She turned around before leaving and said:  
  
"She would have done it without you, you know. Sooner or later", and with that she left.  
  
August, sitting on the coach and staring at the door as it closed behind Lily, whispered to the void:  
  
"I know"  
  
***  
  
Grace, Jessie, and Zoe were at the kitchen table having afternoon snacks when Lily came through the door. She checked the mail and the messages on the answering machine before walking out of kitchen to her room to freshen up, she turned back to looking at Grace who was laughing along with Zoe for a change instead of fighting:  
  
"Grace, there is one letter for you here" said Lily holding the envelope.  
  
"What is it, Mom?"  
  
Grace got up and walked toward Lily. As she took the envelope from Lily's hand, Grace saw that very familiar handwriting that reads "to Grace" on it. She looked at her mom's face with disbelief almost expecting Lily to change her mind and take it away from her.  
  
Lily was not about to change her mind though. She already acknowledged that she could not really protect Grace from everything especially from herself. Lily could only hope that her daughter was really wise enough to know what she should and should not do under the circumstances that they all know went wrong. she simply said:  
  
"You can open it in your room if you want to."  
  
***  
  
Lily was out of the shower planning to go downstairs to start dinner when she heard knocking at her bedroom door and heard:  
  
"Mom, Can I come in?"  
  
She smiled at herself in the mirror with relief. Things may not turn out badly after all.  
  
"Sure Grace, what is it?"  
  
Grace came into the room, holding something in her hand. She showed it to Lily, as she spoke:  
  
"It's nothing, just this paper-frame with my story from the paper in it, he must have taken it from the newspaper," sitting down, Grace put the frame next to her on Lily's bed  
  
It was a black hand-made paper frame holding the story and giving background to it at the same time. There was a note on the bottom edge of the frame:  
  
"The Start of Great Things to Come. Congratulations"  
  
With no name to identify the author; but one's handwriting.  
  
Lily crossed the room and sat down next to Grace. Looking at the frame and reading the note, she turned to her daughter:  
  
"It will get better Grace, you have to believe that."  
  
Grace sat there not answering her mom this time, just looking down at nothing.  
  
There were no tears in her eyes; it was dinnertime… 


End file.
